Spinning Out

Working on a novel, or story, or whatever it is, and fear I don’t have any extra juice for this blog. In fact, it’s probably better to get away from it and write something else. I’m in a good groove though, working every morning into the afternoon. Sometimes evenings, too. Unheard of. What happens to me, though, is I start to lose focus and the voice changes. The story comes apart. Anyway, that’s what’s happened in the past. I’m being super careful. Not showing it to anyone or talking too much about it. I would love to be able to keep writing it. The concept is so good that I imagine someone would want to steal it!

Quiet this morning. Everyone is dozing. Sally has grown more comfortable being a part of our group. She’s no longer hiding in a closet. Right now, she’s stretched out on the new rug, almost  parallel to Target lying behind her. Bailey is nearest to me on the cool wood floor. Doe is sleeping in the hallway.

She’s still sick, although the steroid is managing her symptoms well. It’s a miracle drug. It does cause her to be tired and a little cranky, though. I worry about what else it’s doing. I give her a tiny dose every 36 hours right now. If I wait longer than that, she starts to feel sick to her stomach but I don’t want to give her any more than I have to. She’s still playful, loving and extremely beautiful. We get stopped on the street constantly. I’m going to take her to Mattituck to see her old doctor next week.

Does it sound as if my life is centered around her?  I suppose it is. You do what you have to for the ones you love.

Finally, got my studio set up and have been playing music. I’ve got a new song that I quite like. I’m still toying with the idea of putting a new record out, but I have to say, my interest is in writing the other thing now. Maybe, it’s because I’ve lost any desire to play in public and putting out a record just feels like a part of all that. I do know that songwriting is what I do best. Not just songwriting, but creating those songs that capture the quality of the way I experience life. It’s effortless in a way (compared to writing prose!).  I can’t imagine ever stopping. I’ve been doing it my whole life. But I lost interest in sustaining a career around recording and performing. It’s too hard to keep it going. The world is a bitch and makes even the most natural and beautiful things ugly and difficult. Better to keep the things you cherish close and private.

By the world I mean society, and not the natural world, of course. The natural world is sacred and perfect. How cavalier we human beings are with all its gifts. We seem determined to destroy every precious thing. It’s clear we’re meant to coexist with all living things, in a perfect environment, yet we’re compelled to destroy it. The caveat. If there’s a “why” I’m interested in, that’s the one. Human beings desperate to understand, to believe. So desperate that incredible stories, myths, fables are created and accepted. But who needs a story when reality is so magnificent? It’s all here! The sky, the earth, the oceans, the mysteries. Magnificent. We’re as clueless as ants building their hills. But a lot more dangerous.

I think of what Karen said the other night. How when you go to school you learn that everything you think, has been thought before and, not just thought, but developed into a philosophy.

Hasta luego, amigos.

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8 Responses to Spinning Out

  1. PE says:

    I agree that if you are in the middle of writing, it’s best not to get too public. Answer the muse and just try to be true to the muse when the muse is calling.

    I like how your journal has no dates. Because of this there is no pressure to be current as you are always an explorer of the moment and that moment could be any moment. Thanks for sharing.

  2. BobK says:

    After years of reading your blog and online journals I feel an awful lot like Charlie Brown and the football—forever hopeful and yet ultimately disappointed. If you’re unfamiliar with the classic Peanuts scenario, Lucy holds out a football and asks Charlie Brown to run up and kick it. Of course each and every time Lucy pulls the football away at the last second and Charlie Brown falls flat on his back with a resounding THUD!

    Just when I think you’re about to record an album, some personal crisis keeps you from doing so and I’m crushed. However I’ve wised up and no longer hang on to every rumor I read here. I’ve truly given up hope of ever hearing a new Lori Carson record.

    You wrote, “The world is a bitch and makes even the most natural and beautiful things ugly and difficult. Better to keep the things you cherish close and private.” That’s your decision to make and I respect that. If you choose to hide your light under a bushel, that’s fine. The world would be a better place if you just “let it shine, let it shine, let it shine” but that’s just my opinion. It’s been an interesting ride and your songs will always mean so much to me. Thanks for the music and friendship. Peace out.

  3. PE says:

    Bob, I respectively disagree. First of all, Lori has shared wonderful songs here on this site and I believe they are some of the best she has ever written. Just the other day I finally got “Gone.” Such a simple yet profoundly beautiful song. Yes, I wish Lori would put together an album but she’s giving here in her journal the best of what she gives to us which begins with her honesty.

    In any case, it isn’t my call. I’m just a fan and as a fan I’m grateful for the songs she does record. I know many artists who go through mid career crises where they begin to wonder the worth of doing again what they’ve done before. I also know many artists wary of getting back into it after life has interrupted.

    What I hear from Lori’s journal is her strong urge to create and I trust that urge to create will lead to something wonderful.

  4. PE says:

    I meant I “respectfully” disagree. :)

  5. admin says:

    It makes me sad to have let you down. I won’t make excuses for it. I don’t really think the world is a bitch. Some of my favorite creatures are human. Some are actual bitches too (Doe for one). I don’t think it’s such a terrible thing to be. While I’m genuine in writing this blog. I hope you understand that I’m kind of riffing, don’t mean it to be taken so seriously. As for music, who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to do it again in a public way, but possibly not. Not many people create music publicly for their entire lives. I don’t think it’s about hiding a light. I think the light changes. Thank you for being a loyal friend and fan all these years. All the best to you,
    p.s. Thank you PE

  6. BobK says:

    Lori: I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. That’s just who I am. I also tend to interpret your writing on this blog in a very literal way. Maybe that’s because I read more non-fiction than novels. I really don’t know. It’s always been difficult for me to separate Lori Carson the writer from Lori Carson the person.
    Don’t be sad. You don’t owe me—or anyone else for that matter—anything. How selfish of me to get so emotional about your change in direction. If writing prose is something that excites and interests you then by all means go for it. While I’m whining away about the lack of a new album, PE very astutely pointed out you’ve posted an album’s worth of beautiful songs right here on this web site. And I believe I’ve bought them all, too. Thank you for sharing them with us.
    I’m not going away. I’ll still stop by your blog as long as “the light” is on—no matter how many times it changes.

  7. slntwtchr says:

    “You do what you have to for the ones you love.”

    Beautifully put, whether it be people, or animals, or…? Some people think we baby our pup (a 14 year old Yorkie, who is still pretty healthy and peppy, knock on wood…) but he’s part of the family and it shouldn’t be any other way. The love is reciprocated too, which makes it easy!

    – Dave

  8. Joebob says:

    I think it’s great that you are attempting something new. I believe that whatever you write in the future will be something many will wish to read. After all you have been demonstrating for many years here on your blog how talented you are as a writer.
    You are living the life of the artist in a place that could arguably be one of the best places for an artist to live, surrounded by art. It matters not what your medium is today, in the future it may change again.
    If you were to pull back from this blog I would certainly miss it, but I still have your music, and that would see me thru until whatever else you are working on is ready for us. (though I still may take you up on your offer to send me the old ones).
    Best of luck. Love to you.

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