Woke up at 4 or 5 this morning. The wind was blowing the clouds over the rooftops of the brick buildings. From my bed, I had the best view. I saw a sea horse riding a catfish, a polar bear. As the sky got light, they were illuminated, surrounded by an aqua sky. My worried mind had been trying to control its thoughts. God, God, God, God. I was repeating the word, hoping to tame myself. But the clouds distracted me with happiness. Once again it’s the beauty of the world that saves me. And then morning with its routine of furry animals and the first cup of strong coffee.
I love the morning. I love the morning more than I dislike the hours between 3 and 5, a good time for sleeping, but a bad time to lie awake with thoughts spinning. Although, I’m getting my worries down to nothing. I don’t understand people who build and collect and then have to manage so much. Simplicity is key for me. Give me a roof over my head. My keyboard in the corner, three good guitars. A small dog and a few cats, moving through this room with their funny personalities and sweet affection. Give me six big windows with views of brick buildings and sky.
Doe and I are heading out to Mattituck later today. It’s the end of an era that held on, dragged its heals, spun me in frustration. But I’m freeing myself little by little and it feels good. I find I can still hate him even though he helped me, still helps me. I hate him for the lying, for wasting my time, for hurting me. But, eventually, I won’t hate him. Eventually, I’ll appreciate having been helped. I may even view him with compassion. Who knows? I seem to be able to forgive anything. It takes a long time though.I have no desire to be at the beach, to drive those roads, to be anywhere near the memories of it. And I love being back in New York. It’s where I’ve always felt at home.
A year ago, we adopted Pal and I realized things would never change. A year ago, we headed to Miami for a last trip together. I was possessed. My soul had become uncontrollable. I couldn’t hold it back or conceal it. It was a horribly painful time for us both. Now, a year later, I have myself back and it’s a great relief. Love is so beautiful, one of the great pleasures of being alive. But when things are that wrong, it’s like a poison being ingested daily. Without it, I appreciate all the smaller loves. Happiness is easier to find.
Music is my love. Work is my love. Clouds are my love. Doe is my love. Three beautiful cats. New York City. Happy New Year love. Happy New Year morning. Happy New Year clouds.